I think, this is your voice? You know, especially Rap is rocking with a good and significant voice...
Yours sounds a little, if you are read the text out of a book. you must try to get more power in some words...if so you tell a story to your friend,you know? And if you are working with more shouts, sounds in this track surely much better.
This is only my belief...i would not to say,you are bad...but you can make this better ;)